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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27024154">Someday you'll see yourself (the way I see you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingtofearCL/pseuds/nothingtofearCL'>nothingtofearCL</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bisexual Clarke Griffin, Borderline Personality Disorder, Clexa Endgame, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Lexa (The 100), Lexa and Murphy are best friends, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), POV Lexa (The 100), Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:41:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27024154</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingtofearCL/pseuds/nothingtofearCL</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>People too often say that love isn't meant to last for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. But is that really true? Let's find out. (spoiler alert: no!)</p><p>or</p><p>Lexa has been single for so long she doesn't remember being loved like that. She has struggled with mental health issues most of her life, and love was very low on her list of priorities. Yet change is in the air and Lexa, despite her issues, refuses to listen to her mind that tells her she deserves to be alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin &amp; Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Be brave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first Clexa ff, yay! If it sucks be kind in the comments please. Constructive criticism is ofcourse very welcome.</p><p>This ff is loosely based on my own life so thoughts and feelings about mental health issues are also mine. I understand it may be triggering so take good care of yourself. Specifically, Lexa's thoughts and feelings are included too, so if it's triggering but you want to continue, skip over any sentences or paragraphs that are in italic.</p><p>Enjoy!</p><p>PS. I didn't ask someone to beta and English is not my first language so mistakes are all mine.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was finally Wednesday. Time moves at different speeds (according to Einstein anyway) and waiting for it to be Wednesday seemed like it took forever.</p>
<p>Lexa was going on a date tonight. Ironically on this day she had to rush tidying her apartment just in case the girl wanted to come over for a drink afterwards. It was still a mess. And it didn’t even make sense because Lexa had already said she wanted to take things a little slow on the sex front. Inviting her in would make that exponentially more difficult.</p>
<p>Regardless, she should have cleaned while waiting on Monday and Tuesday but she was just too anxious. And unfortunately anxiety for Lexa did not result in activity but the complete opposite. She knows that cleaning as an outlet of anxiety is awful too. But at least then your place is clean and tidy and you won’t have to deal with feeling ashamed that other people see how much you struggle to take care of yourself.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Clarke: I’ll definitely be on time tomorrow. I won’t keep such a beautiful woman waiting.</p>
</blockquote><p>Lexa quickly shook off the discomfort of being called a woman.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: Wow. Thank you. I promise I’ll be on time too.</p>
</blockquote><p>Lexa and Clarke matched on Tinder just days before. Lexa rarely matched with women because she is so incredibly picky. Dating was just difficult in general. She felt like she had a lifetime of unstable relationships even though she was just 27. Hope of things really changing was nonexistent. But if she did not try she would never find out if things would actually be different this time around.</p>
<p>-∞-</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Clarke: Tell me, For what reason can I wake you up at night?</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>Well, sex. But that’s probably an inappropriate answer to give right now since this is literally our first interaction. </em>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: Hi! Before I answer your question, can you tell me where you live? I see you’re about 70 kilometers away.</p>
  <p>Clarke: Oh, I live in Arkadia. How about you?</p>
  <p>Lexa: I live in Polis.</p>
  <p>Clarke: Ah okay. I actually grew up there and my parents still live there. Arkadia.</p>
</blockquote><p>It shouldn't matter that much but Lexa did not want to get emotionally invested in someone who lived too far away. Although she was feeling better than a few months ago, she knew that would never last. Mental health issues do not just disappear. And going anywhere when she was depressed was incredibly difficult and the guilt of not being able to visit someone.. No, she couldn’t deal with that. Not that she would tell Clarke any of this. The thought of having to open up frightened her. What if Clarke wouldn’t appreciate the real Lexa? Lexa already felt sure she wouldn’t.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: Okay, maybe this is a bit offputting but would you like to go out on a date? I know we haven’t talked much but I actually prefer just meeting each other instead of chatting online for too long. Then we just know whether we have chemistry in real life or not. What do you think?</p>
</blockquote><p>No answer. Shit.</p>
<p>
  <em>I already scared her off. Nice going Lexa. Finally someone you have an instant connection with and instead of taking it slow you sprint and run straight into a concrete wall. Typical. </em>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: That was too fast wasn’t it? Sorry, I’m such a noob when it comes to dating.</p>
  <p>Clarke: No it’s fine! I just put my phone away for a second. I actually feel the same way, let’s go out! How about tomorrow?</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>Holy crap! Tomorrow? Can I handle that? Maybe it’s good so I don’t have time to become too nervous. And maybe pretending I’m brave will actually make me feel brave. </em>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: Yes, let’s do that! :)</p>
  <p>Clarke: Okay great. Shall we say 7? I’ll sleep over at my parent’s place so we have all night.</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>All night? Who wants a first date to last all night? How will she put up with me all night?</em>
</p>
<p>-∞-</p>
<p>Clarke actually had to cancel that Monday because she had forgotten another appointment. She was apologetic and immediately rescheduled, making sure Lexa knew she hadn’t changed her mind about going out. It comforted her, but also confused her. Lexa wondered what she had said or done to make this girl excited about going out with her.</p>
<p>“Dude! I can see the grin on your face! Stop making fun of me!” Lexa whined.</p>
<p>“I’m not, I swear. I’m just happy to see you smiling and excited for your date tomorrow. I know you’re anxious but you deserve joy in your life. And even if it doesn’t work out you will have gone on a date! And lord knows it has been a while. Try not to think too much and just enjoy the moment. I know it’s hard for you. You know it is for me too. But I believe in you.”</p>
<p>“I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without you.”</p>
<p>“I know. I’m awesome.” Murphy said, smirking.</p>
<p>Lexa rolled her eyes. “Anyways…” resulting in an even bigger smirk from Murphy, “I’ve got to go, lots to do before my date tomorrow. Love you.”</p>
<p>“Love you too. Enjoy!” After they hung up, Lexa, even though she planned on tidying her apartment, crashed on the couch.</p>
<p>
  <em>Nope. Too anxious. I’ll just game instead and clean all day tomorrow. And chat with Clarke in the meantime.</em>
</p>
<p>-∞-</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Clarke: I love flowers! And I actually love getting them.</p>
  <p>Lexa: What’s your favorite flower?</p>
  <p>Clarke: The Gerbera flower.</p>
  <p>Lexa: Okay, noted. Just so you know I will NOT give you flowers tomorrow.</p>
</blockquote><p>“Okay Lexa, I love you, but why would you tell her you wouldn’t buy her flowers? That’s a bit weird,” Lincoln said.</p>
<p>Lincoln, Lexa’s brother, came by for a bit to check out Lexa’s new apartment late Tuesday evening. Octavia, his girlfriend, was there too.</p>
<p>“Um well that’s kind of my thing remember, say I won’t do something nice and then surprise someone by doing it. It lowers expectations yet makes people happy. Besides, I told her I wouldn’t give her flowerS. Plural. Never said I wouldn’t give her a single flower.”</p>
<p>“Whatever floats your boat Lex. Just make sure to tidy up to place in case she wants to come in for.. you know.. a little something something.”</p>
<p>“Lincoln!” Octavia exclaimed while nudging him. “Too far!!”</p>
<p>“What? Just want my sis to have a good time!”</p>
<p>-∞-</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: Personally I don’t like getting flowers. I’m not good at taking care of them. That’s a bit of a turnoff isn’t it?</p>
  <p>Clarke: No, that’s fine. As long as you don’t hate flowers I don’t mind not giving them to you. I’ll think of something else to give you once I get to know you better.</p>
</blockquote><p>Wednesday late afternoon Lexa headed out to get some groceries, and most importantly, a flower. She was determined to get a beautiful Gerbera flower for a beautiful woman. Nerves were already coursing through her body all day, but when she entered the flower shop, it felt like a horde of butterflies exploded in her stomach. This was actually real. Actually happening. She had a date tonight.</p>
<p>Lexa had never gone out of her way like this for a first date with anyone. Of course she hardly ever had any first dates where she’d actually go out and didn’t already know the person. Still, the way Clarke spoke just made her feel like she was someone special. Someone she would want to put the effort in for.</p>
<p>After she asked a flower shop woman for help she saw the flowers. She understood why these were her favorite. She chose a dark pink flower and couldn’t help but giggle internally when she was asked if it was a present. Yes, yes it was. And she couldn’t help but smile and giggle on the walk back home, two things Lexa rarely did genuinely the last year and a half.</p>
<p>-∞-</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: I’m so nervous!</p>
  <p>Clarke: There’s no reason to be. I’m not nervous at all. We’ve got nothing to lose. We either like each other or we don’t.</p>
  <p>Lexa: Yeah I guess you’re right. See you soon.</p>
</blockquote><p>Clarke's comforting words weren't that comforting at all. Lexa felt like she had everything to lose. Granted, she felt like that most of the time because she had already lost so much. No reason now would be any different.</p>
<p>Lexa looked at herself in the mirror. Having showered way too late because of the cleaning she still had to do that didn’t even make any sense because they weren’t going to sleep together tonight, her skin looked greasy. Rushing was never good for hygiene but especially in the middle of summer right before a date.</p>
<p>
  <em>Why why why did you do all this, now you’re going to be late even though you promised her you’d be on time. Strike one: first promise ever made broken. But maybe I shouldn’t be with someone who hates tardiness. Everyone who knows me knows that’s an issue for me and they should accept it. And maybe I can give her the flower and say this is ‘sorry for being late’. And maybe she’ll think the sweatiness is sexy? Oh who am I kidding. </em>
</p>
<p>Despite her greasy skin Lexa looked fine. Since it was summer she was rocking a nice tan, courtesy of her father’s genes. She wore a black tank top and black vest, high jeans and black Chelsea boots with bright flowers on them. And she was wearing glasses like always.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Clarke: I really need to wear pumps to complete the outfit I’m wearing. This outfit just doesn’t look right with sneakers. Can you just accept me for who I am?</p>
  <p>Lexa: Okay, fine. Wear heals. But I’ll never wear heals so you’ll just have to accept that I’m much shorter than you.</p>
  <p>Clarke: I think we’ll be okay.</p>
</blockquote>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Glasses on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clarke and Lexa want to kiss each other, badly. If only they could settle someplace that make them feel safe enough to do so.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all who are still here!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa took a deep breath, locked the front door behind her, and starting walking towards her destination. Clarke.</p><p>
  <em>Here we go. You’ll be fine. Your life doesn’t depend on this date. Maybe she’s not as cool in person. Maybe her voice is really annoying. Maybe she’ll make stupid jokes that will hurt your feelings. You are sensitive after all. Too sensitive. Maybe we have nothing in common. But maybe she’s the love of your life and I already ruined it by being late. Well I have the flower to make up for it, but I should have been on time. I promised her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, you will be fine. In fact you’ll be great. You look good despite the grease. It’s okay. Why is everyone looking at me? Is it because I’m holding a flower while clearly going to something and not coming from something? Is a woman presenting person not allowed to give a flower? Do women ever give men flowers? Pff who even cares. I’m almost there. I’m sweating. I’m gonna be okay. Maybe. No definitely I’ll be fine if this doesn’t work out. Just fine.</em>
</p><p>And there she was. Standing. Waiting. For Lexa. Clarke was on her phone so she didn’t see Lexa yet. So Lexa could take her in for just a moment. Clarke was wearing a low cut dress with flowers on it and heals, just like she said she would. Her blonde hair shining so bright in the sun, like an angel. And she was wearing glasses, just like in some of her pictures.</p><p>And just like that, all anxiety dissipated. Lexa didn’t believe for one second that someone like Clarke would be interested in someone like Lexa.</p><p>
  <em>Cool. I don’t stand a chance with this girl. I'll do my best but go home, crawl into bed and forget this ever happened.</em>
</p><p>“Hi!”</p><p>Clarke looked up from her phone and immediately noticed the flower in Lexa’s hand</p><p>“Here, I bought your favorite flower. I knew I’d be late so this is to make up for it.”</p><p>“Ah you’re completely forgiven! Thank you so much, it’s beautiful!”</p><p>Going against Clarke’s decree of no touching when greeting each other to avoid awkwardness, Clarke grabbed Lexa and gave her a hug.</p><p>“Thank you”</p><p>
  <strong>-∞-</strong>
</p><p>After a short walk Clarke and Lexa arrived at the bar and sat down outside. After a bit of small talk a waiter arrived at their table. Lexa looked at the waiter, then at the menu with embarrassment, then back at the waiter.</p><p>“Can I have a sweet white wine?”</p><p>Clarke chuckled and scolded Lexa immediately “I can’t believe you drink sweet white wine! That’s such turn off,” she said jokingly, “are you still a teenager?”</p><p>“Why yes Clarke I am still a teenager! I know it’s incredibly embarrassing but I just never got used to dry wine. I have a sweet tooth in every single way possible. Sue me!”</p><p>“I think I will. I’m not sure I can move past this, but I’ll try.”</p><p>“Much appreciated.” Lexa said with a big smile</p><p>
  <em>I knew she would make fun of this because literally everyone does. I am quite comfortable. And sometimes I forget words. Her smile is enchanting.</em>
</p><p>“So you really weren’t nervous for our date huh?” Lexa asked cheekily, taking a sip of her wine after.</p><p>“Of course I was! I was really nervous because I had a good feeling about you, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.”</p><p>“So why did you tell me you weren’t?”</p><p>“Well I just figured the truth wouldn’t have helped the situation. I mean what good would it do either of us knowing we’re both nervous wrecks? Imagine the stress.”</p><p>
  <em>Well that's so incredibly sweet, trying to comfort me when she equally stressed. Wow. </em>
</p><p>“Touché. I mean it didn’t exactly take my nerves away but it was still comforting knowing you were so confident. Now I know the truth and I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“Like I said, I got this, don’t worry.”</p><p>
  <strong>-∞-</strong>
</p><p>“I’m sorry what did you say?” Lexa said, humming softly just like her body was.</p><p>“This is like the fourth time you fazed out Lexa, am I boring you?” Clarke said defiantly.</p><p>“No, no. It’s just that your smile just makes me forget to listen to what you’re saying. I want to do something but I can’t do that here, not out in public like this. We could find an ally but that wouldn’t be romantic would it, not for a first kiss.”</p><p>Lexa was just blabbing at this point, so enchanted she somehow felt very confident, talking about kissing, wanting to kiss Clarke, even considering an ally, the most unromantic of places.</p><p>Clarke just gave Lexa the most beautiful smile, and Lexa was lost again.</p><p>“Shall we go get something to eat? Then move someplace more private?”</p><p>Hoping Clarke wouldn’t hear the desperation in her voice, all Lexa could say was “yes please.”</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Lexa: I am a total chicken when it comes to making the first move, just FYI.</p>
  <p>Clarke: What do you mean?</p>
  <p>Lexa: Well, I am really shy at first. It’s so hard to make the first move.</p>
  <p>Clarke: Oh don’t worry about that, I got that covered.</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <strong>-∞-</strong>
</p><p>After going to the supermarket to get a snack, Clarke and Lexa walked to their next destination. A bar, but indoors. And more private. Hopefully. Looking around though the lights weren’t very romantic and the people playing pool a few meters away not too friendly.</p><p>
  <em>I want to kiss her but I also don’t want people to watch us because we’re two women making out. But I can’t think of anything else.</em>
</p><p>“I want to kiss you but there’s too many people here. Again. And this bar doesn’t look very gay friendly. I mean look at those people there.”</p><p>“Yeah I know, let’s drink up and go someplace else.”</p><p>They weren’t<em> really </em>talking while they were finishing their drink. Clarke was talking nonsense, providing “fun facts” but Lexa couldn’t pay attention. At all. Both were only thinking of one thing.</p><p>Then Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s knee and squeezed. Lexa looked at Clarke with questioning eyes.</p><p>“You’ve got a good knee.”</p><p>“Well thanks” Lexa said sarcastically, with a smile of course.</p><p>Lexa wanted to kiss Clarke to a frustrating degree. But not here. <em>Not yet.</em></p><p>“Yeah I’m just looking for an excuse to touch you.”</p><p>“Okay let’s just go.”</p><p>
  <strong>-∞-</strong>
</p><p>Despite their incredible need to kiss each other, Clarke and Lexa managed to find <em>another</em> bar where they sat down outside. Again. At this point Lexa’s body was raging. Yet she also felt so calm. A peaceful storm. It felt amazing and she didn’t want this night, this feeling to end.</p><p>She knew that if they kissed things would change. It would be serious. And no matter how much Lexa wanted to kiss Clarke and Clarke wanted to kiss Lexa, both were letting their fears get in the way.</p><p>They had been together for hours at this point and Clarke still had her long drive back to Arkadia ahead of her. Yet they continued talking about everything and nothing. Joking around, touching each other’s hands, Lexa losing her focus a dozen more times distracted by beautiful lips, Clarke noticing and smiling which only made matters worse.</p><p>“You know I loved your response when I told you I’m a psychologist. Usually when I tell my dates that’s what I do they start dumping all their problems on me and share their darkest secrets. That’s a very good sign.”</p><p>“Really? That’s so inappropriate. I wouldn’t want my partner to have that role any way. Seems very unhealthy.”</p><p>Although Lexa was being honest she still felt a surge of anxiety. She was having such a good time yet knew at some point she would have to share <em>those</em> intimacies with Clarke. And she didn’t want to. She didn’t want things to change. She didn’t want to have to talk about it. Because she was feeling better. But she knew that would never last. And she knew it over and over again because it was always the first thought every time she acknowledged she was feeling better.</p><p>
  <em>I should just give up. I should just go. She’s a psychologist for god sakes. Of course she doesn’t want her partner to struggle with mental illness. But I’m doing better. But am I? She’s too good for me. I don’t want to deprive her of her choice but everything would just be so much easier if I’d just let her go right now. No harm done. I should just go.</em>
</p><p>“Everything okay over there?” Clarke asked, with a slight crinkle between her eyebrows, a little worried.</p><p>“Yeah I’m fine. Just wanted to say that just because I didn’t dump my problems on you when you told me about your job, doesn’t mean I don’t have them you know.” Lexa replied with a faint smile.</p><p>Lexa heard the pain in her own voice. Maybe this was okay. To just open up a little bit. Although it came out less graceful than she intended.</p><p>“I know, and that’s okay. Everyone has issues. And I mean everyone, including me.”</p><p>“Yeah? Like what?”</p><p>“Ha! Let’s leave that for another date shall we. Shall we move one last time? I don’t want to wait any longer.”</p>
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